Chapter Text
Marshall still couldn’t be convinced by Lily to help her break up Josh and Barney! Exhausting all her options, one Saturday afternoon, she drags Marshall over to Ted’s apartment.
“Come on Lily, this is getting ridiculous. Why can’t you just be happy for Barney and Josh? This is a good thing!”
“Marshall, I’m telling you, there is something bad about Josh! We can’t let him marry Barney! Ted! You home!?”
Lily pounded on the door. She absolutely needed Ted to be on her side on this and knowing about his feelings for Barney, she had a feeling he’d be more than happy to help break those two up! Ted opened the door and seeing that it was his two best friends, he said a short “hi” and lets them inside.
Ted wasn’t looking so good, he wore a large white t-shirt that was stained with all sorts of odd colors, he had on loose-fitting pajama pants and his messily styled hair was even more messy and unkept and it looked like he was growing out a beard. Marshall grew concerned as it occurred to him he’d been neglecting his best friend, he hadn’t realized how bad of shape Ted’s condition had gotten since he last spoke with him.
“Whoa, Ted are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just… Look what do you want? Why are you here?”
“Ted, we need your help-”
Before Lily could say any more, Ted interrupts her in annoyance.
“Oh! So you wanna talk to me now that you need something from me? Jesus, Lily, you’re married to my best friend and it’s like you don’t even want me near you two anymore! You don’t even ask how I’m doing or check up on me! What if something happened to me and you didn’t bother to look for me, what then!?”
“Ted! That’s too far, we didn’t mean-”
Lily places a gentle hand on Marshall's arm, reassuring him that she can take care of this herself.
“No, Marshall. Ted’s right. The only reason Marshall hasn’t seen you recently is because I’ve been avoiding you… Ted… I know you like Barney! Robin told me that you wanted to sleep with Barney! I’m sorry, I felt like I had to keep that secret for you no matter what, but I couldn’t trust myself, that’s why I left the state and Marshall. By the way, I already told Josh too.”
Ted just stared at Lily in silence then he looked at Marshall who then leaned down to whisper in Lily’s ear.
“Uh, honey, I already knew Ted likes Barney…”
“What!? You knew!? So I didn’t have to leave the state! Ted, you sonuvabitch!”
“Hey, I didn’t tell you to leave! I remember specifically telling you not to go!”
…
After clearing the air, everything up until that point felt like a stupid joke, and they couldn’t help but chuckle at their own idiotic behavior. Robin had told Lily something Ted didn’t even know about himself yet, making Lily feel like she had to leave their friend group just to protect Ted’s “secret”. However, Ted, in a drunken stupor, had already told Marshall how he felt about Barney. Everyone knew and yet no one knew that they all knew… Wait...
“Does Barney know?”
Ted stood there terrified. If Barney knew, that would change everything! He could admit to liking Barney, but Barney knowing that Ted likes him made Ted feel incredibly queasy. He couldn’t stand and had to sit down on the couch. Lily, sensing his worries, sat next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder to reassure him. She gave a bright smile as she answered Ted:
“No, Barney definitely doesn’t know. I mean if he did there's no way he’d be marrying Josh, am I right?”
“What?”
“Oh sh*t…”
Ted shot back up and stepped away from Marshall and Lily. He must have heard wrong! There’s just no way! Ted felt his chest tighten and hurt. Tears threaten to fall from the corners of his eyes. Lily realized Ted didn’t know about Barney getting married until it was too late.
“But-but that’s why we’re here! I want to break them up!”
“Lily, no, we are not-”
“Sssh! sshh! shush Marshall, let her speak! Now what’s this about breaking Josh?”
Marshall really wasn’t on board with this so he made his way into Ted’s kitchen to make himself a sandwich. Ted and Lily sat on the couch and began discussing some plans to break up Barney and Josh before their wedding. After a few plans were shot down, Ted told his last idea to Lily:
“Alright, how about this! We send a girl who Barney slept with to his door and have Josh answer it!”
“No that won’t work, most of the girls he sleeps with either don’t want to see him ever again or don’t even know they're left from their right. Ted, they are about to get married, and whatever problems they had are most likely resolved by now. We’re gonna need to go nuclear with this break-up!”
Marshall walks in eating half of a ham and cheese sandwich, and shakes his head in disapproval. He really didn't want to get in the middle of this. By all accounts, Josh was really chill and the perfect guy for Barney, hell even he was jealous at times when he saw those two being sweet for each other.
“I can’t believe you two are so selfish enough to want to ruin someone else’s happiness, especially you, Ted! I thought out of everyone else, you would want Barney to be happy the most! Josh is a great guy, really, really-”
“He doesn’t believe in Nessy.”
Ted interjected quickly, knowing full well it was a lie but not caring as he knew this would be the only way to get Marshall on board with them in their mission.
“...That sonuvabitch! Alright, I’m in but how are we going to do this?”
Marshall put down his plate on the coffee table and took his seat next to Lily on the sofa. Honestly, it was kind of difficult to come up with some good ideas to break them up. Ted and Marshall had no experience in this field and while Lily was the most expert person they had, she wasn’t too familiar with Josh and Barney’s relationship and couldn’t think of how to get them to fight. Just then, it came to her…
“Wait a minute! I think I have an idea!”
***
In a dark and crowded nightclub, Robin wore a short red co*cktail dress, her hair was curled and styled beautifully and her makeup was slightly on the heavier side. Sitting across from her at the small round table was Don who sported a clean white shirt and over that, a very sexy leather biker jacket. He had on blue jeans and on his head were dark sunglasses.
“Why do you have sunglasses when it’s the middle of the night, indoors?”
“I’m going for a look plus it goes with my outfit.”
Robin couldn’t help but chuckle at his little joke. However, Don wasn’t joking nonetheless he smiled because getting her to laugh was worth it. He took a sip from his glass of water and surveyed the bar counter, trying to see if there were any suspicious people. After a moment of nothing happening, he turned his attention back to his date.
“So, Robin, tell me, what are your plans for after this case is over and done with?”
This question caught her off guard. What did she plan to do? To stall for some time, she took a long sip from her cup of water. Finally, she spoke:
“Um, let’s see… Well, I’d like to have some beers with my friends to celebrate…”
“... And after?”
“Oh, umm, maybe take a break from chasing stories and go traveling overseas or something heh.”
Robin took another long sip of her drink until it was all gone. She felt awkward talking about herself, about what her plans for the future were. She never really gave it much thought, always just trying to get through life one day at a time. Don gave her a sincere smile as he also took a sip from his drink.
“Traveling huh? That sounds nice, care for some company?”
This took Robin by surprise, her face blushed slightly as she speculated what Don could’ve meant by his statement.
“You-you’d want to come with me?”
“Haha, yeah. After my divorce is settled that is, which should be any day now. Would you mind?”
“Oh! O-Of course not! I mean-”
Just before Robin could finish, there was a loud scream coming from the bar counter. A man had collapsed to the ground and as everyone else was focusing on the man's condition, only Robin saw two people rush out of the entrance of the club. Don pushed his way over to the collapsed man and started calling for the police and an ambulance, only Robin jumped out of her seat and ran towards the doors. Just as she made it outside, she only caught sight of a van pulling out and driving away, swerving dangerously until finding a steady pace and driving far into the distance.
“Damn it!”
She couldn’t make out the license plate and before she could go back inside, filled with disappointment, she noticed a crumpled-up napkin on the ground where the van had pulled out. Taking out a handkerchief, Robin carefully picked it up and unfolded the napkin. All that was written on it was “Meet at Lame 9 pm”. Finally, she had found a clue!
***
Planning for the wedding required spending a lot of time with each other which was exactly what Josh wanted. A wedding was the perfect excuse to make Barney become more estranged from his friends, Josh knew he was doing the right thing. On a Sunday afternoon, Josh and Barney enter the china shop and are greeted by the receptionist. Taking their time, they find themselves near the back of the store, looking at the beautifully crafted china plates and cups.
“I don’t know, I like this white one with the gold trim but this red one with the floral print pattern is really nice. I can see myself using these every day. What do you think, sweetie?”
Josh turned to face Barney as he asked for his opinion. Barney, however, wasn’t paying him any attention and was actually looking at the cute blonde who greeted them before. Annoyed, Josh let out a scoff and placed the plates down roughly, the loud clank brought Barney’s attention back to Josh.
“You know you’re getting married and yet you’re still looking at other women? I’m doing this for you but you don’t seem to appreciate my sacrifice. Maybe this is a mistake.”
“No! I’m sorry, Josh… but… It’s just… we did agree to have an open relationship before, I just thought-”
“Oh, ‘you thought’ huh? ‘You had a thought’! Well, congratulations! Want a f*cking medal? God, you’re being so pathetic right now, you just don’t know how good you have it because out of the goodness of my heart, I let you go around doing whatever the f*ck you want! See this is exactly why Ted doesn’t want to be around you!”
Barney just stood there in silence. If he just stayed quiet, if he just closed his eyes and pretended he couldn’t hear, this would all be over quickly. This wasn’t part of the plan. Where did it all go wrong? He only wanted a guy on the side while he and Ted went out to pick up girls like they used to. He missed those days. He missed Ted… So much…
“Can’t you just go along with this for your beloved friends? Don’t you want to make everyone happy? I guess whatever you’re doing is more important to you than spending time with me when you know I’m lonely! I wish you wouldn’t be so cold toward me and everyone around you!...”
When Josh saw Barney start to tremble, he knew it was time to switch from the stick to the carrot. Gently, he brings Barney into his embrace and rubs his back soothingly. In a more softer tone, he whispers:
“I’m not saying all this to be mean, Barn. You’re a smart guy, you know this is for your own good. I’m helping you to get your friends back. You won’t blame me, will you? I mean, it was your fault I had to say such cruel words…”
“R-right, yeah… I-I’m sorry, you’re right. I-I’ll stop…”
“Good, by the way, that’s a really nice outfit. Too bad it’s out of style. Don’t forget after this we have to pick out the cake, let’s drop by your place and have you change clothes.”
Josh let Barney go and went back to looking at another set of china plates. Barney looked at a vintage-style floor mirror that leaned behind him against the store’s wall. He was wearing navy blue sweatpants, a beige cardigan, and under that, a white long-sleeve shirt. Nothing about his reflection looked familiar and it scared Barney. However, he wouldn’t admit it. Whether it was because of shame or disgust, Barney turned his back towards the mirror.
“Umm… I like that purple one-”
“No, I hate the color purple.”
“...ok…”
